Friday, May 10, 2013

Looking Back, It Was Totally Worth Giving Up Wine And Coffee For Nine Months.

It's Mother's Day weekend!  I know the calendar tells us we only get one day, but I like the notion of spreading all things Mom over the entire weekend.  Of course, I don't expect the total focus to be on me all the time, but I think a little undercurrent of Mom Love for the next few days isn't too much to ask.

I like this quote, it speaks to me:

Mothering is an imperfect art.  While we want to do everything right, it seems like a few misses are unavoidable.  Anytime you're involved as deeply and with as much love as one is when mothering - you're bound to reflexively think with your heart, when your head would have been a better choice.  I just hope that Eliza and JD are understanding, forgiving and clever enough to turn the times I've fallen short into fabulous comedy and a quirky perspective.

Here is another written bit that captures some of what I feel: "I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child." ― Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year

I was not a maternal person before I had kids. I was a bad babysitter. To be honest, I wasn't that fond of children.  I'd never ask to hold a baby and I'd avoid conversations with kids at all costs.  They scared me and I felt my nurturing skills were better suited for canines.  But being mom to Eliza and JD has amazed me in how completely and instantly it soaked into me.  It changed my experience with kids as a whole - I have to remind myself now to ask permission to hold someone's baby.  I am blown away by how much love I feel when I think about what Eliza and JD mean to me.  I didn't know I had it in me.

It's not easy though.  Especially as they get older.  The saying that parenting kids is like choosing to have your heart live outside your body is right on the mark.  The ups and downs of life and their growing independence are hard to face.  Sometimes I'd like to just put my kids back inside me and not share them with anyone else.  But, because I'm not totally delusional, I know Geoff and I must let them paddle their own canoe as much as possible so they can continue to sail even when we're not around. 

The knowledge I cling to, that brings me great joy, is that I will ALWAYS be their mom.  They will grow and I'll grow too, but we'll always be connected as mother and child. We get to experience this relationship through all our evolutions and hopefully we make each other want to be our best selves along the way.  I try to be lovingly present in each stage of our life together (though, admittedly I'm sometimes mopey and occasionally crabby about the passing and challenges of certain phases) because, though change is inevitable, the relationship is constant.  And for that, I am entirely grateful.

Cheers to all you moms out there!!

 I'm wearing this.

While in the cooler months, I'm drawn to a Paris street-style vibe, it appears once the sun comes out I embrace the summer in Provence aesthetic.  As an aside, these jeans are developing a bit of a hold "near the zipper", but they are soooo comfortable that I have convinced myself if I keep moving no one will notice.  I hope I don't regret this decision.

gratitude:  8:06 a.m. on February 10, 1998, 11:02 a.m. on November 2, 1999, hysterical laughter, time together

thanks and love.

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